Thursday, October 23, 2008
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Friday, June 06, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
The events of the last 2 weeks are utterly shocking and disturbing. Those 2 words dont adequately describe the events that have taken place...the long term repercussions of this, for the country as a whole will be severe im sure...
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Monday, June 25, 2007
Ive been tossing and turning and turning and tossing for the last hour and 15mins trying in vain to fall asleep. Its 11pm now, and my mind is racing, contemplating, trying to find an end to this maze of questions floating in my head.
I haven’t felt like this in a very long time – that feeling that your life is not headed in the direction you envisaged…that somewhere along the line you’ve faulted…that you should be in a place right now that you’re not…that feeling of unfulfillment…that feeling of urgency.
Its 11:10pm now – its taken me 10mins to write those 2 paragraphs…I could have written it better. Just like I feel about everything else tonight – I could have done this or that better. I should have done it this way. I should have approached it that way. Why didn’t I think of that approach? Hmmm, maybe if I went with that, rather than this, it would have been more beneficial.
The thing is hindsight is a bitch. Pity that it only comes ‘after’ rather than ‘before’ the decision has to be made. But I’m just rambling on right now and no doubt confusing you. Of course there is no ONE decision that has been bugging me; it’s a combination of so many things that has ultimately brought me to this point.
“You’re lazy.” – That’s what my head keeps on telling me tonight. It says it like it hasn’t been partly responsible for that! But that’s such a strange statement to make I tell my brain, because in the last couple months I’ve worked harder then ever before…how can I be lazy, if I’ve been working? My head ignores my remark and reiterates its statement: “You’re lazy.”
Maybe it’s concerned, maybe its trying to motivate me? Maybe it’s trying to motivate me, by demotivating me…if that make sense? A doctor friend of mine once told me that doctors tend to make their medical students feel worthless – they (the doctors) believe, that it encourages them (the students) to work harder. I argued that that theory made no sense at all – it’s a known fact that in order to motivate a person, negative signals or comments should be avoided. And if my brain is using this ‘demotivating’ technique on me tonight, than I can say with absolute certainty that it does not work! It’s my opinion that doctors in teaching positions, really only employ this technique because it re-enforces their superiority complex…okayyyy, im veering off the topic now…where was i?
Oh yes, I need something to motivate me. Something to keep me going, something to keep pushing me, something that shows me how to get from point A (where I am right now) to point B (where I want to be). Problem is, I don’t know where point B is and because I don’t know where it is, I’m not sure if I have to go straight to point B or via point C and D to get to point B…wish I had a damn map.